Ramblings of a Diva

Saying Goodbye in 'Hello' to the Guy from the Train

2010-04-09T22:34:00.001-07:00

Oh my its been a while... last post was November of 2008.

I can't even begin to tell everything that has happened in the last year and a half. Perhaps it is the fault of Facebook and my constant updating there that has made this fall to the waste-side... All I can say is hello again. Its good to be here.

I actually haven't even thought about blogging for quite some time. I'm here because someone mentioned reading this the other day... And it is him I speak of tonight.

SO... why must the moment exist when you suddenly realize that you are saying goodbye when you say hello?

The story I tell this evening almost seems like it could be out of a book. Girl gets on train, speaks briefly with the conductor, finds something incredibly intriguing about him and on a whim decided to give him her email address. (Yes girls, gone are the days when you HAD to give out your phone number) A few hours later... An email from him! The guy from the train. Weeks of emails ensue. Back and forth. Questions, answers, jokes, flirtations... every moment becoming more and more interested. Looking to see if he'd replied. Wondering if she'd see him again on the train. Phone numbers exchanged. Texting ensues. But oh no... He has a girl friend... OF 6 YEARS! DAMN! But still...she decides... 'we can be friends right!?' So the emails/texts continue.

He offers to help her move. Its the first time they've seen each other since that brief encounter on the train. And he's wonderful. Nothing awkward. Just laughter... lots of laughter. SO helpful and kind. He's so kind!

More talking. They sometimes hang out on her stoop before he has to work. Or sit on the couch and just talk. Yes... she's incredibly attracted to him. How could you not be?! Those eyes... the way they light up when he smiles. That laugh. Its the only time that while being hugged she's ever felt small. What a strange feeling.

Then one day they get together and have some fondue in the city. So much laughter... and he has her guess how she's put in his phone... 'Diva?' she guesses... 'Nope... guess again..." So she does... and again, and again... Until finally he tells her... "Broadway... You're Broadway." Wow.... how can he get her so quickly?

A few minutes after they part ways she gets a text...'Those creamy, soft, wonderful arms of yours. I like' Ooohhh-kkkaaayyyyy...... Wait... doesn't he have a girlfriend?! But he likes the one thing about herself that she's never really liked. Isn't that interesting!? The one thing she can't stand, he thinks of... well they keep texting.

This goes on for awhile. And the flirting becomes more direct. More fun. Its play. She seems to run into him randomly all the time. SO they chat and talk. And laugh and flirt.

And then it all turns a corner. Play and fun becomes more of a serious topic of conversation... Play becomes verbal FOREplay. Becomes questions and fantasies, and plans. And it all goes so quickly. Lord knows she played. ABSOLUTELY she did. This was not 'one-sided'. It was a tennis match of who could get whom. Until it got a bit out of hand. And there she was buying black sheer thigh highs at Macy's purposefully 'forgetting' the girlfriend.

Until she stopped and realized this was not the right choice for either of them. And things should just go back to when they just enjoyed hanging out together. But as she realized that he stopped all communication. He went away on a trip and she never heard from him again. She emailed him to see if he was ok. She tried to text. Not to start up the madness again... just to make sure he was alive. She worries about the people she cares for quite easily you see. But nothing...

She wrote him at a week and a half silent saying flat out that if he had changed his mind about speaking to her anymore that was fine. They are both adults after all. Just let her know he was ok... Nothing...

Three weeks later (tonight in fact) they run into each other while she's waiting for a friend for dinner. And in her head she thinks, 'Well... at least I know he's alive.' And instead says 'Hello.'

And somehow she knows that this hello is really 'goodbye'. And it makes her sad. Because she remembers the way he used to make her laugh.

He tells her, 'I had to give you up cold turkey'. Like she's a drug. Or a bad habit he needed to get away from. And frankly she can respect that. She asks about his girlfriend. Says how she's glad he's alright. And how she was planning on talking to him to say those nefarious plans shouldn't have been made. He mentions how it would have been the first time he would have ever 'stepped out' on his girl. They realize they had the same thoughts... It wasn't supposed to have turned into that, but there was just so much attraction and interest clouding the air. Making morals hazy.

So he hugs her. He says see you later. And she realizes that phrase may not actually come to pass. She stands there and doesn't watch him walk away because she knows it could very well be for the last time. And it makes her sad. She likes to pretend the wind is making her eyes a bit teary. But she just blinks those tears away before they have a chance to fall and greets her newly arrived friend with a smile.

Its very Jane Austin this story. But it is what I have lived the past few months. And sitting here on this side of it... I'm still a bit sad. Because he was such a wonderful man. And man how he could make me laugh. I felt lighter of spirit when he was around. I'd like to say I wish that corner never had been turned. But I can't. Because the knowledge that someone wanted me as much as he did is powerful. The circumstances weren't right. We all know that now. And I don't think either of us would have actually acted on those plans (no matter how many pairs of thigh high black stockings I bought). We are better people than that...

Alas... For now -'Hello' was instead 'goodbye'. I don't need to be someone's bad habit or their addiction that they need to stop cold turkey.

I just want to be somebody's first choice. Their desired one. So that the plans we make together are plans to build upon. Not to tear something else that is special down.

I hope I get to talk to my friend again one day. When the drug-like desire has passed. Cause I've missed him these last weeks. I miss him still...

So man from the train. You know who you are... I wish you well. I wish you and your lady happy. I never wanted to interfere with that. My friend--- If you ever want to say hello and mean just that... I'm here. Perhaps sitting on my stoop watching the cherry blossoms bloom. But always a phone/text/email away. It will be your choice. Until then... Be Happy. Be Well. Be Blessed.

When you're first in the room

2008-11-21T07:54:00.000-08:00

Don't screw up.

Or better... know your music so that you don't let the accompianst boss you around.

Oh well... My audition was fine. I was warmed up vocally and I sang a new song which was fun (even if it did end up being played double time). And it was an audition. Cause let's be honest folks.... Auditions are few and far between lately.

I do have the day off today however. That is very exciting! I am trying to really embrace my cut down hours at good ol "Vicky's". IN thinking back... I realized that during my full time hours I sat there wishing that I could do a Broadway show and cut my day job hours down to about 30. Well the hours are down to about 30. I think the only explaination is that the Broadway show is just about here! At least that's how I choose to look at it.

Things are really good. Sure money is tight all around, but I don't believe that is how I am meant to live so I choose to live in abundance! Abundance is MUCH better. I am grateful I am able to have my apartment all to myself. I am able to pay all the bill and still go out to lunch or dinner or a movie with friends. That's a good life! And it will only keep getting better.

Perhaps I'll start booking more movies. I really want those! I have filmed two of them now. "When In Rome" and "The Winning Season". I think you might actually get to see me in "When in Rome". Look for me in the wedding scene. I should be there dancing away behind the lead characters.

I'd love to have a role in a movie that was a speaking role! Or maybe get on an episode of Law and Order: SVU or CI. That would be really fun!

So there are possiblilities. Those will lead to opportunities. And that will lead on to many more realities. Everyday I believe I am where I am meant to be doing what I am meant to be doing. And really... that is what life is about.

Where ever you are... I hope you are blessed. I hope you are well. I hope you are happy.
Love,
S.

Believing in the possible of "impossible" happenings

2008-04-08T14:20:00.000-07:00

A thought for today...

I was recently having a lovely dinner with some friends here in the city when we began to talk about ideas or dreams that seem impossible. Now as for me... I have never liked that word. It gets my dander up, as my grandma would say. It rubs me completely the wrong way! I am a great believer in the miraculous. Things which seem as if there is no hope suddenly occurring out of the blue. That's how I love and live my life. It is a constant truth in this business of show that miracles happen everyday. They may be small, they may only affect you on a minute personal level, but they happen every single day. I think most people forget to honor those small miracles. I have tried (but sometimes completely fail) to remember to honor those miracles in my own day to day experiences. It is a challenge. In truth, it is a behavior that must be learned. Practiced. Pounded into your head until it becomes a habit. I'm getting there. I realized that it is when I need to glory in the small things the most that I forget them the most. Instead I look for that BIG miracle. The one that will launch me out of the pool of doubt I seem to be treading in and bring back the glory of the sun! Silly me... small miracles are easier to build upon and create big ones out of!

I've been in a little funk lately. The death of a beloved one has left me floundering a bit. Not that it wasn't expected, but that it occurred at all has affected every aspect of my life. More so than any other loss I have had up til this point in my life. There is a message I have had saved in my voice mail since 2006. I love it so much that I have kept it there to listen to when I need a lift. Most days I just skip over it, taking comfort in the knowledge that it is there. Well every once in a while the voicemail makes you listen to them again to decide if you still want to keep it. It was perhaps the week after the memorial service when his voice came out of my cell phone. The message says, "Hey Shawner, its Grandpa and I was wanting to talk to you to tell you that I love you. But I guess this isn't the right time to do that so I'll just say it here. We were thinking about you and we wanted to tell you that we love you today. Alright. Well love you. Bye bye." I sat there the phone clutched to my ear and cried. Ok... I'm crying now writing it, but to hear the voice of one lost forever to the physical world suddenly saying they love you... well it just makes you realize the even cell phones and voicemail can be miracles.

I think the point of sharing this with you is because I'd forgotten that. I'd forgotten that sometimes the biggest and most powerful miracles can be words spoken in a passing moment. For you, perhaps easily forgotten... but words live on. They lift you up, they make you cry, they give you hope, incite our anger, plead with our souls, soothe our hearts, make us laugh, cut our enemies down, build them back up, make them friends. Words change the world.

Words... Like "Impossible". Yeah... I've come back to it. You knew I would. "Impossible" has inspired more people to go out and create and succeed than possibly any other word in creation. (Except perhaps love) Something about it fires us up and makes us dig down and reach for strength we never knew we had. "I'll show you~!" it makes us say. And in general... We do. We show them. So this is my point... situations which seem "impossible" are really just another example of events that have a great deal to teach us, about ourselves, our dreams, our faith.

One of my favorite quotes goes like this... "If you believe and want it enough... NOTHING is impossible."

So my wish that goes out to you tonight is this... Believe. Want it MORE than enough. More than others think is wise. Then you'll truly find the universe brings situations and events to fruition that never could have occurred otherwise. Believe in possibilities instead. Even the ones that seem ridiculous. Because only we can determine how far we can go. Only we can limit ourselves. No one else has that power.

Believe. Just believe its all possible. I do.
As ever I send you my love.
S.

Endings and Beginnings

2008-03-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

Its taken a while for me to write about endings. Most specifically the passing of one of the most important people in my life. My grandpa Lauren Bobby Smalley. To me he was always Grandpa Bob. Actually... he was just Grandpa. He had been sick for a very long time. It wasn't really until the last few months though that he began to just fade away. It is almost hard to remember a time when he was in good health. On top of a heart condition he had a spinal disorder that was degenerative and just got more and more painful as the months and years went by. I do remember when it became so bad that he had to give up golfing. He LOVED to golf. Calaway clubs were his favorite. He and my dad always went together. I think he missed golfing til the day he passed. It was because of his failing health that his interest in computers became a true obsession! He always had the best programs and always knew how to use the shortcuts. He knew all the tricks and turns. He taught me things I still use! I think partly because we shared a birthday and partly because it is just the kind of man he was, but I always felt like a favorite. (To be honest... I think all his grandkids thought they were his favorite... And somehow... we all were.) To know that you are loved completely, for being exactly as you are, it made the biggest difference in my life. I was (and am) blessed to know the love of my family, my parents, my sister, and now her husband. But it is always the love of my gpa that I remember most about him. He always believed in me. In my destiny. In my calling. He always supported it and prayed for me. He showed me faith. And taught me how to find it in my everyday life. How to live with faith and in faith. And how to believe even when the road seems impassable and the way impossible. Those are words he taught me to set aside. Can't, impossible, never... all words to set aside. Faith, Hope, Charity, Love, Joy, Blessings, Believe, Dream, Strive, Search, Find... all words to cherish. It was always my biggest dream to be able to see his face when I told him I landed my Broadway show. It was a dream to have him marry me like he married my parents and my sister and her husband. And I think perhaps that is the hardest part of his Promotion to Glory as he wanted it called. I have to say goodbye to dreams I ALWAYS thought would come true. And while a portion of those dreams will come into being (I WILL land my broadway show soon and I will one day find the man who I am meant to marry) it hurts to realize they will never be the way I had hoped. I imagine reading this you might think it selfish of me to state that the loss of two of my dreams is the worst part of losing him. There are many things I mourn with his passing, but the passing itself was a complete blessing for him. The way he was existing the last months was in NO way living. It was a blessing for him to finally see the face of a Saviour he has always believed in. To speak and worship God in all His glory. He taught me to believe those things are waiting for me too. In thinking about that moment.. when ever it is meant to happen for me, I realize that it isn't just God's face I long to see. I know Grandpa will be at the front of the welcome line. He'll be the first to hug me and say how proud he was of me that day I took my bow. How beautiful he thought I looked the day I got married. How excited he was to see my children brought into the world and how he watched all of us grow. That will make me really happy. See... I have faith that it will happen just like that. Because that's what he taught me to believe.

And so I begin a new part of my life. Still on the road of my destiny. Still striving and succeeding and shining. But this time without the tamber of his voice in my ear when I need him to pray for me. I will just have to be blessed that I can feel his love even now. Warmly spreading its grace throughout my body and indeed every aspect of my life. And so beginnings... everyday, in every moment I will be grateful. I will believe that now I have a big man upstairs who has the ear of the BIGGEST man upstairs and my gpa will send out the legions of angels to protect and work on my behalf. That's just the kind of guy he was, my grandpa. A gentle warrior every crusading for faith and love and joy and hope and grace and destiny. A mighty warrior because he was gentle. He was fierce friend. And he will never be forgotten, least of all by me.

It is strange how destiny leads. Sometimes with victory, sometimes with loss. The key lies in realizing that both serve us equally. One is just easier to deal with than the other. They each in their own way help to affect our course along the path. It is only because we are strong enough to believe in their importance that we can ever see the path at all.

In what ever way destiny is leading you today... may you have the strength to just stay the course.
As ever I send you my love.
Shawna

A thought for today.

2008-01-31T07:56:00.000-08:00

I'm at work right now (temping at the creative offices of Victoria's Secret Beauty- and loving it btw) and a thought has crossed my mind...

Why is it when we reach some of our goals and dreams do we suddenly let them become commonplace?

This is how this thought all started... There is an audition today. It is at the Actor's Equity building and for a theater which is doing 3 shows I would actually be really great for. But did I get there in time to get a time slot? Nope... I didn't. I got up early and everything, but I took my time in the shower, getting ready took forever...Basically I screwed myself over. And it's like I did it on purpose. I sabotaged myself. WHY ON EARTH DID I DO THAT?

Then I realized. I was being a whiny baby. I didn't want to have to get up. I wanted to have an appointment. I've now been sitting here realizing what power we have to create the situations we live within. I thought I should have something GIVEN to me and didn't use my own power to just get the hell up and go get it myself! THIS IS MY JOB. THIS is what I love to do. So why am I treating this process as commonplace and ordinary? It isn't. In rereading some old posts I talked about how I dreamed of becoming Equity. How I dreamed of living in NYC all the time. I HAVE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS! And did I take advantage of that fact? Nope I screwed around and wasted time and by doing so-- completely wasted an opportunity. I realize there will me many, many more now that the audition season is coming, but this is a mistake. Today--- well today this wasted morning is my fault.

To be honest... I am grateful to an extent that it happened today. Its a wake-up call for me. Here is my conclusion...

In life we are given the choice as to whether we use the gifts and talents we were blessed with or not. No one will make us fight for our dreams, for our very destiny unless WE do. This business is so difficult. People don't understand the level of skills you must have in so many different areas of expertise to even attempt this job. While they are called "plays" and it is certainly fun to do... this isn't playing around. This is as technical a job as any other, be it an engineer, a scientist or an accountant. Each of those jobs requires a skill set that must be earned. You don't just wake up one day with all the skill and knowledge of how to build a bridge. You have to learn it. Yes, there is a lot of natural ability that must be present in all careers for you to have a chance at making an impact in the world, but there is also learning that must be done! In talking to a friend last night, we realized that there is a lack of respect for what we do. Even to this day people can treat you like a joke. "Here- write a song for an event, you have 2 days, but let me tell you how to do it even though I know NOTHING of being artistic" What disrespect was shown to my friend. He is an amazing artist who is amazing at business too. He does what he must and stays in a place he doesn't very much like so that he can do what he has passion for. That takes guts. As much as struggling every day to go out and hit the audition circuit. He wishes he could have the ability to hit the circuit more. And here I am today blowing a chance. Frankly, I showed him disrespect by wasting chances. So darlin.... I'm sorry. Its woken me up though. And like I said it comes at the perfect time. Right before the audition season kicks into full gear.

So... no more wasted chances. This is my dream. I AM SERIOUSLY LIVING MY GREATEST DREAMS RIGHT NOW! And I refuse any longer to sit idly by and let chances pass me. This is my destiny, but you have to fight for your destiny to prove yourself worthy of all that is to come. So I will fight. I will get past this disappointment within me for something that was obviously not supposed to be mine anyway and fight for whatever IS meant to be mine. (I know you don't understand that last sentence, but I do.) This is my town. MY HOME. And it is a privilege to be here. An honor many dream of and never accomplish.

This life I am living is in no way commonplace. Nor are the things I am going to accomplish with this life. The point I suppose is this... Dreams help to shape us into the person we were always meant to be. Do not allow yourself to forget. Do not allow yourself to let them become ordinary or you yourself will become thus. I refuse to be ordinary. I refuse to be commonplace.

Instead... I will be more than I ever dreamed possible. And I will become such because I BELIEVE it to be so. I have the faith to remain strong while I pursue this destiny. And I will fight for it. And by fighting in faith and with heart those that will change my life will have the space to enter in and do the work they are meant to do. They will give the respect that is deserved. They will recognize the talents and skills I offer. They will be what they were meant to be so that I can be the same.

Where ever you are in life I urge you to do the same. It doesn't matter if you work in the arts or not. You have passion for something that is uniquely yours. What ever that might be I ask you to fight for it. Is it painting? Or writing? Or numbers? Helping others? Healing? Listening? Scrapbooking? What ever it is... cherish it. Don't push it aside. Don't let it become commonplace. Life is too short to allow for regrets. Even if you fail, you'll always know that you had the guts to try. And THAT... that is a joy least often found. The joy that comes only through courage.

No regrets. No fear. Only chances and the guts to actually take them as them come.

May you be well. May you be happy. May you ALWAYS be brave.
Shawna

Its 2008!

2008-01-21T18:11:00.000-08:00

So.... I never really promised to be very good at the whole blogging thing. In fact I just realized it has been one year to the very day since I have last written anything here! So much has happened... WAY TOO MUCH TO WRITE IT ALL OUT HERE! So I will just start with a quick recap of some important events and then full accounts starting with THIS year. I had marvelous blessings by being able to be a part of over 7 shows. The Molly Maguires was a particular favorite. I was also blessed to fulfill a life long professional goal of being hired at Sacramento Music Circus. They were the very first professional audition I ever went on back in the Los Angeles days when I decided to go for the gold out in the Golden state! Obviously it took a little while to get there, but get there I did in Hello Dolly. While I was up in Sacramento I got a call from Disney asking me to come down to LA to audition for a tour they were sending out. I was cleared to miss half a day of rehearsal and off I went. Just because it is unbelievable to me (and I actually did it) I have to tell you how the day went... I started in rehearsal from 9 til 12, made my 1 pm flight which landed in Orange county almost 20 mins early, got my rental car by 2:30 and made my 3 pm appointment time at Disneyland rehearsal studios. It went so well that I ended up having to change my flight home to the next morning from a different airport. (The cost of the air ticket change: 25 bucks... the rental car... $0!!!!) I landed at 8:55 and made it to rehearsal by 9:03! WOW!!!! I can't believe it worked out so perfectly! And then I got the job!!! I was the only girl in a 3 person show that went along the west coast and into Canada! IT was a bus tour, but we were rockstars on that bus! So that was another life dream checked off the list... Work for Disney... CHECK!

Well....Here it is the 21st of January 2008 and I have already rehearsed and completed 2 shows here in NYC! One was a quick run at The Public Theater in which I sang with a marvelous group of people from every walk of life.

The other show just ended today actually... It was a workshop for a musical by Joe Brooks (composer and Oscar winner for the song "You Light Up My Life") called Metropolis. It was pretty crazy. It is based on the 1927 movie of the same name which I've heard said was one of the most important Si Fi films ever made. It makes an interesting musical. It CERTAINLY needs work, but it was fun to spend 29 hours on it.

At the moment I am temping with Victoria's Secret in the corporate offices. I am actually administrative assistant to two VPs in the creative department! It is awesome. I love it there. They are so nice and are so excited that I am a performer! It makes it so much easier when I have to take off time for a show (or shows) and/or auditions. They really do like that I am a performer. What a difference it makes! Auditions have been really going well. While I haven't booked anything huge yet, everything I HAVE booked is a very important step on the road I am traveling!

Things, important things are happening I know this year. I can just feel it in the air.

I FINALLY HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE!!!!!! That a was a big goal for this year and here it is January and that too is checked off the list. I am also having a website created for me... www.ShawnaHamic.com! IT looks awesome! We are tweaking things still so it isn't officially up, but I know it will be soon.

Well I am off to bed and then off to work tomorrow. Life is really great. Even with the eminent passing of my grandpa... life is still amazing. He's ready to go and while I'll miss him like no other person in my life, I know he NEEDS his "promotion to Glory" as he puts it. It's just time...

So where ever you are... where ever life is taking you be it good or bad... I pray you enjoy the ride. That's the point after all isn't it!

Much love,
Shawna

New Year New York

2007-01-21T16:36:00.000-08:00

I haven't written a blog in a very long time. I'm not saying that now that it is 2007 I'll be better at it, but perhaps this year will bring me so much to tell everyone that I won't be able to resist!

I am still here in NYC following my heart and achieving my destiny. I have been to many places and done many things since I last wrote. I have finally become a member of Actor's Equity association through doing a show at Mt. Gretna Playhouse over last summer. Right after I got back to the city I booked a show in the NY Musical Theater Festival (The Screams of Kitty Genovese) and that was amazing. While I was in rehearsal for that I was asked to come in to audition for a production of Guys and Dolls which was to perform at the Macao International Music Festival in China. I got the gig and performed the role of General Cartwright. It was a blast. We had a 38 piece orchestra in the pit and the theater was sold out every night. All 2000 seats! The best part is that it brought Justin & I back to working together in the same show! How I loved it... even if I really didn't get to see him that much cause he did a lot in the show and I only had like 2 scenes. Although... they did write a reprise of Sit Down You're Rockin the Boat just for me! That was something else!

As for a day job, I have been working at MetLife with my roommate Nathan. (Although he is about to leave me for a wonderful apartment on his own--- which I totally understand and say if I could afford it, Lord knows I'd be doing it too!) They are great at MetLife and while it is a temp job I like it there. They understand where my goals are and know that if I were to get a show I would leave.

There were many things that happened last year... Equity card... Met some people who will be life long friends... James B. Kerri. Lisa H. Piper A. On and on... And on Dec 4th I had a really amazing experience. I had my first (of many to come) Broadway callback. It was for Disney's The Little Mermaid and I was called back for the ensemble. In truth though... I think I was called back as a possible Ursula understudy. I was amazed to actually get the callback really. I did the EPA way back on Oct 3rd. (I only remember the date because I thought it was funny that I was doing an audition for the show on the day Disney was releasing the 2 disk dvd of the movie) It had been 2 months since I auditioned and I hadn't heard anything until that moment. Tara Rubin is casting the show and she was at the door and brought me into the room. She complimented me on my coat (it was gold and fabulous!) I thanked her. I met the assistant Music director Brian and they had me sing. I sang the song that had gotten me the call in the first place- Love you Didn't Do RIght By Me- from White Christmas the movie. Lovely jazz ballad and NO ONE does it! Brian when I was done said how that was one of his favorite songs and asked what else could I do. I offered him a lyric soprano or a big belty number. He asked for the lyric so I sang How Could I Ever Know from Secret Garden. He said how that was another of his favorite songs. He looked at Tara Rubin and there occurred a silent communication between them. She turned to me and asked me if I needed to be any where right away. I said I was happy to wait. She said, well we want you to go back out into the hall because we want to you sing for a mystery guest when they arrive. I happily called into MetLife to say I might be a little later than I thought and I sat down to await the arrival of the Mystery Guest. It was only about 30 to 40 minutes later when a man went into the room. Tara came out and asked my back in. Brian said why don't you sing from the bridge out in Love you didn't... I said sure and I sang it. Then he asked for the end of How could I ever know... I did that. The mystery guest asked Do you have anything balls out big and belty? I offered up The end section of the Lilias White version of Brotherhood of Man from How to Succeed. He said that was fine. I sang that very well. He turned to them nodded and got up and left. There were 3 other people who he was supposed to see by this point, but he only saw me. They were to bring the others back another time. And that was that... my first callback (really my first 2 callbacks) for a major broadway show. And I couldn't have asked for anything to go better. I left there knowing that there wasn't a note I could have sung better, a song or style I wish I would have had the chance to show them. I sang all three of the songs I was deciding between when first thinking about this callback. ALL THREE of them! I looked good, sounded better, presented myself exactly as I am and I left knowing there wasn't anything more I could have done. At that point (while walking up Broadway after leaving the Hilton Theater-where the audition happened) I looked up and said to God... It's yours now. There isn't anything more I could have done. It's up to you now. And that is true. Even know I know that to be true...... Well..... I don't believe I got it. They are almost through with casting and from the message boards it looks like they are going a different way with Ursula. It was possibly to be Emily Skinner (who I actually look a lot like), but it looks like they changed their minds and now are casting skinny Sheri Renee Scott. Who I look NOTHING like! :o) Well at least it isn't because I wasn't good enough. I just wasn't right for what they decided to do. The cast list isn't out yet, so I think I'll always have it in the back of my mind that there is still some reason to hope... but I just don't think it is meant to be right now (no matter how wonderfully the timing was lined up to my life. Reh begin March... Out of town run in Denver in July which is just a short car ride for my grandparents from Goodland- back to the city and opening on Broadway in November. Perfect... but alas...looks like the Lord has something else in store for me.) Anyway... it wasvery exciting to be in a situation like that and realize that I did more than just hold my own... I was shining so brightly. And I will again.

In fact... I didn't do too badly in an audition I had yesterday. It was for the first Equity production in the US of Jerry Springer the Opera. I went in and sang my tooshie off. (3 songs) and they asked me to come back today and dance. It was a tap call which I loved! Had a great time and did it well. I don't know what will come of it all, but it was fun. Nathan was even called back too! It's on our list of things to do... do another show together... I think we specifically said Broadway show together, but who knows... maybe it will transfer to Broadway if we get in it! How nice would that be!

Before that starts rehearsal (if I get it) I have actually been asked to do a one woman show based on the life of jazz singer Mildred Bailey. She was a big gal like me and had the most versitile voice. So it is an honor to be helping to create a show using her music as a storyteller for her life. I'm working with Kirby Gosnell on that and we will be recording a demo pretty quickly here over the weekend of Feb 16th & 17th. Looks like the show might be produced by 2 equity theaters somewhere in NY state- so there would be a short run at each. Gotta love that! A new show.. just for me... singing jazz like I love to sing. How I wish it could be done here in the city too! Well maybe, just maybe that is in the future for it.

Well anyway... that is pretty much all that is going on in my life. Nothing on the romance side... not really looking actually. Just concentrating on my career. Men take up too much time anyway... :o) always demanding your time... that too will come when it is meant.

I suppose I named this post "New Year New York" because besides turning 30 like I do next month, I know that this will be a huge year for me and my career. Things are happening. I am here finally in the place I am meant to be in the time I am meant to be here. And things are happening. SO I'll just keep trudging away. Walking in faith. Walking with love and determination. Always forward...even when it seems like the path has turned back...it really hasn't... it is always going on...

Thank you for being an important part of my life. I am so glad you are here.
Loving you!
Shawna

Wading through fear.

2005-10-21T01:56:00.000-07:00

Now I know this isn't my usual post... Frankly, do I ever have a regular post? At this moment I am swimming in fear. I can smell it on myself.... I haven't shaken this much since... well since ever. Now this is very graphic as far as bodily functions go, but I need to express it or you won't know the basis of my fear, or why it is striking so fiercely at me at this moment. About 30 minutes ago I left my room to use the bathroom. Big deal right. Well after I had gone I realized that the tissue was covered in blood. "OK." I thought... "I've been expecting aunt flow so here she is..." Then I realized that it wasn't Good ol' flow coming for a visit. This was completely different... Blood was streaming (or what seemed to me to be streaming) from my anus. I thought to myself... No wait. This can't be right. It's supposed to be well from somewhere a lil north of there.... But it was. And it just kept showing up. More and more. And I got really frightened. All I could think of was my Grandmother... She just died of colon cancer. And it made me even more scared.... So now all these thoughts of death are running through my mind. And I am not the one in the family who jumps to the most dramatic answer or possibility, I leave that to dear ol' sis. But here I am in a place I have never been before... Abject fear. Streaming off of me. Literally.... So I went to my roommate's computer and went to WebMD. I typed in my symptoms and up came a few possibilities. hemorrhoids, Colon polyps, colitis, Crohn's disease, and colorectal cancer. All I could see for the first minutes was the cancer word. My grandfather just died of it. My grandmother too. My mother had a cyst on her overy (non-cancerous thank God!) All these things... That word was all I could see..... I eventually researched a little more. I think I have hemorroids. I pulled a muscle in my upper back which has made it difficult to breathe all day. I kept holding my breath to pick things up and straining to move... I aggrevated the weak muscles down there. I gave myself hemorroids! While they say a proper diagnosis is important I think this is the correct one. And frankly, without insurance, I can't go for a regular diagnosis. I can't afford the thousands of dollars it would take. So the next thing I researched was insurance. I've been wanting it for a while. Specially with all the crap going on in my family. I need it. I just can't get over my fear... What if it's cancer. What would I do then? I sit here sobbing not wanting to wake Nathan up, but wanting him out here anyway. Wanting to not be going through this all alone. I didn't realize how much fear I have around cancer. I didn't know it was lurking within me waiting for something like this to bring it all up. So now what? DO I ignore it all and just go try and get comfortable in bed? Do I call my family and freak them out? WHAT DO I DO??? I know there won't be any answer as I send this out into cyberspace, but maybe, just maybe getting it out of my head will help me sleep. Or at least help me breathe a little...

What would I do if I did have cancer? What would that mean? Would I be different that I am? Would I fight to my death! Yes I would. I would NOT give up like my grandmother who had so many people love her and yet only wanted to follow a man who was oftentimes cruel into the grave. I won't go quietly I know that. I don't even truly believe I have cancer. I just have the fear of it and until I can get it out into the light, talk about it, then it will fester. I can't let that happen...

I'm not sobbing anymore. Just a few tears falling every once in a while. Thank you. For just being on the other end of this even if you never read it. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for having the courage to love yourself. Thank you.
~S.

2005-08-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

Just leaning taking in the light of life.

Tony Triumphant

2005-06-07T17:27:00.000-07:00

I have returned my friends from my home back to California... What a day it was yesterday... I'll go in to it in detail as I go along, but let me just say that it seemed the universe was conspiring to keep me in New York and made me regret the fact that I had to leave it once again...

I began my trip to New York and to the Tony Awards by flying on Continental Airlines. NOT the best, but hell it was free! I was so excited in the days leading up to my trip that I really didn't sleep for two days. I packed and made sure I had everything I needed or might need or want. I checked it a million times and finally lay down at 4:30 in the morning. My Super Shuttle got to the house at 5 am... Oh well, power nap. Every song that played on the radio on the way to the airport was a song that meant something to me. Perhaps it was Signed Sealed Delivered and reminded me of my amazing friend who I got to sing that with and was finally going to be able to see after a year and a half being apart... Or a song that I sang to win a thousand dollars in a Karaoke contest... Things like that. I just smiled because I could see the way everything was going to be this weekend. I got the seat change I wanted on the plane and I slept most of the 5 hours that it took to cross the big land. As I landed in Newark Int. I got reception for my phone and had over 4 voice mails... Basically Weston, ( who won the contest and took me with him) was flying in to Newark from Boston where he is going to get his Master's degree. BUT... leave it to Continental... I made it across the entire country and he hadn't even left yet... He ended up being 2 hours late, but it didn't matter... I was back in the place I was born to be. Wes and I took the express bus into Penn Station. On the way there I got a text message from my friend that said, "I can feel you in the city." It was true... Everything about me was rejoicing in my return. As approached the city it was the same as the first time I ever came... It is an amazing feeling to KNOW where you belong. To have a primal recognition within your very soul as you approach. And it matters not how long you have been away. Home will always be home.

New York really is home to me. The rush and bustle of the people and the movement of the place just calls to me. It isn't something that can really be explained. I pray that you all know this feeling of knowing where you belong. I belong there... It was very poignant, like a breath that I had been holding for so long was finally released. I felt the worry and depression I have been fighting off flee from me. I really did return. And I know now that it will always be there for me. That knowledge of belonging.

We checked into the Time Hotel in the theater district off of 49th. A hip little place with amazingly comfortable beds! We arrived late due to the delays in flights for Wes. We met up with my friend Justin and we ended up having a late dinner at Dallas BBQ. I love that place! When I saw Justin coming towards me with that enormous umbrella stripped red and gold and green and blue it made me beam. There he was walking in a sea of black umbrellas shining color into the world. How perfect a metaphor. For he shines so brightly in my world. And all the love that I have for this friend of mine just exploded out of me as I dropped everything I was holding to just hold on to him. He was like coming home too.... What is it about returning to friends you haven't seen in ages? How can love be that strong? And yet it is. It remains beyond distance and time and lives within you until it can be expressed within the arms of those people you love. Words are marvelous, phone calls sublime... but holding a friend to you... hearing their breath in your ear as they hold you back... there isn't anything like it. I remember laughing. I do that all the time... Just laugh at something that tickles my fancy or makes me smile... Often no one even knows why I am laughing....I just do.... And I remember the joy being so great as I greeted first one friend and then more as the weekend went on that I laughed with all of them. It was just the voice of joy...

The next day was "let's go see some shows" day. Wes and I went and saw Sweet Charity with Christina Applegate (who was an amazing actor, but really needs help with the whole singing thing) and Hairspray (in which the understudy was better that the normal girl!) I met up with my dear friend Nathan who I haven't seen in months and we hugged so much!!!! I love that boy! He told us about the lottery for Wicked tickets and for Spelling bee so we decided to try that. While we didn't get to see either of them it was lovely hanging out with Nathan. We took the student tickets for Hairspray and I bought his ticket as a thank you for taking me. They were both really amazing. Hairspray has gotten really raunchy... Fun!, but raunchy... After seeing the matinee of Sweet Charity we went down to where Spamalot is playing. I snuck into the theater and got a playbill from the show... Then like the cheesy Broadway Broad I am I went and waited to get all the autographs... Yup! I got them all... all except the one man I really wanted to meet... Tim Curry. That man is truly one of the reasons I got into theater... He and Bernardette Peters (who shares my birthday). But alas... he didn't come out to sign autographs. While I was waiting for every one to come out (they were spacing them out) I saw that the people from The Pillowman were coming out too... Jeff Goldblum is a a favorite of mine. I used to go watch him play Jazz piano in Hollywood at the Lucky 7 when it still existed... So I went over and waited for him to come over. He would glance around the crowd and as he was looking he glanced at me and started to move on, but suddenly looked back at me and had a look on his face that said, "I think I know you." but he moved on... It wasn't too long after that when he came over to me. I told him how we had met before and it seemed to show on his face that he remembered as well... That was nice. I had my picture taken with Billy Crudup and that was fun too.

Sunday found us in the Park. Central Park of course. We walked around and took pictures. One I particularly love is of a tree whose flowers bloom on the under side of the branches... They are lovely, but can't be seen from above... It was a reminder to me to always see things from every side. to look beneath the surface of things and perhaps if you truly do, you'll find something truly lovely. I took the picture and I will cherish it as the lesson it was and is. All that day since breakfast Weston and I kept doing the same skit over and over again... HE would say to me, "So what are you doing today?" "Oh, I don't know.. why?" "Well I thought we might go to the gym or go walk around a bit." "Well," I would say, "Not so much fun..." "Well, I do have two tickets to the Tony Awards. You wanna do that instead?" "Sure.. we could do that I guess..." And then we would just go back to what ever we were doing... Well as I was taking the picture of the flowers on the underside of leaves this group of late teen to early twenty year old girls we coming by us... And Wes started in on the skit... I played along. The reaction was huge... They gasped! And kept walking along suddenly saying how lucky we were and could you believe that someone would be so offhand about the tony's?.... on and on the went as off and off they walked. IT WAS PERFECT! I went to Wes and grabbed his arm and we just laughed once we were out of earshot. We ended up sitting on the lawn close to the merry go round. How funny to hear a merry go round that plays Downtown or random songs from the 70s all having to do with NYC. It was a lovely day. Nathan came to meet up with us and we sat there and talked just the three of us. I was supposed to meet up with two more friend of mine, Joe and Michael. We were supposed to meet at Serendipity on 60th, but once we got there (after fighting our way through the Israel Day parade on 5th Ave) we found the wait was like an hour and a half... We ended up meeting them at Fluffy's on 7th ave near 56th. Once again the sound of joy came up and out of me as I hugged two more of "my Boys" as I call them. I just love them... Joe Joe Bean and I, well I don't know... we just love each other. Same of michael and I... Micheal and Weston found much to talk of as both are dakotan... Wes from South, Michael from North. Joe joe and I talked of the things that were different in me. And of course since April 19th there is a lot different about me. (See the previous post 'Diva without the Big V!') We talked of how a person can change from finally knowing and accepting every part of themselves. I have a focus I never had before. And it was amazing to see how others recognized it. How they commented on it. It was lovely. I am very comfortable in my skin now. I know and recognize my own power, and I can wield it too! It was a grand time. But soon it came time to go and get ready for the Tony Awards... Even now looking back on the vivid memories I have of that night, it remains surreal. How I dressed and got all gussied up. How great Weston looked in his suit. How I planned to sneak my camera in in a bag of tampons... (WHICH ACTUALLY WORKED!!!) How we arrived in a limo and walked the red carpet cameras flashing and people screaming even though they didn't know who the hell we were. How we walked down the carpet with Christina Applegate in front of us and Chita Rivera behind us. How one photographer asked to take a picture of my hand bag (which I got from a street vendor in time square for $20 bucks) How we walked in the side entrance reserved for the famous. The program how heavy it felt in the hand. I remembered to bring a sharpie and I waited to see who I might meet in the lobby. I talked with John Cryer (duckie from the movie Pretty in Pink) and talked with James Earl Jones. And finally... how perfect was this. I saw Tim Curry.... I swallowed ny pride and my nerves and I walked up to him and I asked him if he would excuse the interruption and would he sign my program. I told him how he was instrumental in my becoming a performer. he said, "That is very sweet thank you." and he signed it and moved on... My weekend was complete! And then it got better.... Bernardette Peters opened the show!!!! I didn't meet her, but there they were... the two biggest influences on my choice of passion and carreer all in one room. And I was actually right there with them... Our seats were front row mezzanenne. Perfect viewing. I even got some horrible shots of the stage... I was nervous they would find me and take my camera away. But they didn't. I can't even tell you how amazing it was... It is still hard to believe, even as I sit here writting of it, how it actually happened. When it was finished and Wes and I walked back to the hotel... (The homeless people and street vendors loved my outfit by the way) we changed and went and had McDonalds in Times Square... The glamour was over... but I feel like perhaps it rubbed off on my somehow. When talking with a friend later on that night, after Wes had gone back to the hotel and I went to SoHo on my own, I realized something. To quote Wicked... "I had a vision almost like a prophecy." I realized that the next time I walk down that red carpet... they are going to know who I am. They are going to ask for more that just a picture of my handbag. And I don't mean to sound as if all I desire is fame to "show them!" it isn't how I mean it... I just KNOW it... I know it. Next time they will know who i am. It was important to realize that. And it made coming back to California to finish my show Beauty and the Beast so much easier.... I know I will be back there. It is my home and while it isn't exactly this second that will bring me down that red carpet once again, it is there... That moment is coming. I was given this gift, this preview to prepare for it. To be ready to welcome it to me. For it will change so much. But not ever change that which is important to me. My family, my faith and my friends. They are my strength. And ever will remain so. The one thing I regret was not being able to see my Goddesses.... Know that I thought of you, but it just wasn't meant to be this time. I still keep your love close to me. Know that....

I was going to tell the story of the madness that insued after reaching Newark Int airport via private car service... It isn't important to this story now... While I do hope that they will actually find my bag, and while I have a cold from being in recirulated air for over 8 hours straight...yeah the story is a doosy... I want to end on a different note....

In life we get so many gifts. So many lessons that seem so unimportant until you take the chance to look on the other side. But perhaps these lessons and gifts are merely to prepare us for the challenges and victories yet to come. I had so many gifts... Revelations if you will. So where ever you are in life, be it victory or defeat, be brave enough to look at all its sides. There are lessons yet to be learned.

Love is the key I think to it all... Love what you do. Love who you are. Love what you are becoming every day. Love your friends for they help to define who you are. Just love....Accept it when it comes to you and accept it when it must go... The reasons while they can't be seen just yet are on the way. Have the faith to believe it...

I love you. Know that... No matter where you are.
S.

To NYC... if only for a weekend

2005-05-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

Well my friends...

I am off to NYC for 4 days. My friend and I were in a singing contest called "Sing Like A Broadway Star" sponsored by Macy*s. I randomly found it while looking on the Tony Awards website for the nominees. Well I found out that there was a contest taking place in Sherman Oaks... SO I decided to take the day and go and try it! The prize is 2 tickets for the Tony Awards including the red carpet walk, two round trip tickets, hotel for 3 nights in a times square hotel, dinner for two, and lunch for two and a hundred dollar gift certificate for Macy*s. Well I felt I had a pretty good shot until my friend Weston Showed up.... He is very talented! Well it ended up the judges were two radio personalities from a love songs station here in LA. My friend won. I came in second. After everyone else left the judges said they had the hardest time picking between the two of us. They kept going back and forth... Well they gave it to him and when they presented the award they mentioned how he sounds like Josh Groban... Oh well right! Well Weston and I had such an experience that day. (He was sure I was going to win, I was sure he was going to win) The competition itself took place in the middle of ladies clothing! The pianist was great! He actually could play any of the 5 pre-selected songs in any key. You actually had to be present to win. I sang first... blame it on Citrus Singers and being non-equity, but I was really early... Well that may have had something to do with why I only got second, but oh well.... We were there from 9 am til 4 pm! Weston and I agreed over lunch that we should take each other if either of us won... Well.... that is in fact exactly what is happening... I am going to be coming to NYC for the weekend of June 3-6 for the Tony awards! I had to go and find a dress since it is black tie, and I ended up buying two! I can't decide which to wear... Oh well I guess it will all come down to the day and what I feel on that day.

I am actually glad that I didn't win myself... Before deciding I was going to take Weston if I won, I was having a hard time trying to decide who I should take... I realized that if I took any one member of my family then the others would be pissed off!!! I was probably going to take a friend.... THIS has worked out so much better! I still get to go and I don't have to choose anybody! I was chosen instead!

Well... that is all that is going on with me... except my rehearsals have begun for Beauty and the Beast! It is going to be such fun!!!! They are even letting me out of rehearsal to go on my trip. The one stipulation is this... I CAN'T TELL ANYONE IN MY CAST WHY I WON'T BE THERE! How mean is that!!!! Oh well... as long as I get to go that is all that matters.

I hope you are all well... I know I am.
Much love,
Diva

It's Diva, but WITHOUT the BIG "V"

2005-04-19T23:46:00.000-07:00

Hello all....

Ok so I had another one of those days... you know the ones that you don't think are going to be any big deal until you suddenly realize a choice has been placed in front of you... And this choice deals with a question that has been on your mind a lot lately.... Yup.. that was today for me...

I began by sitting an hour and a half in traffic to be at the Doctor's office (whom I have been working for these past months) by ten am. No I don't normally have to actually go into the office. I work from the computer at home, at my own pace and just email the reports into him. Alas, he needed me in Glendale... SO off I drive. And I get set up and type and type and type away... Now Doc has a male receptionist. Cute as hell, latin with the dark hair and the light eyes. And a FLIRT!!!! I met him when I went with my sister for all those spinal appointments. (Did I mention that the Doctor I am working for and am friends with was my sister's surgeon? Oh well if I didn't- now you know.) Well we have flirted for almost a year. The last time I saw him, however, our flirting took a slight turn... it went from play to PLAY... I offered to take him home as his car was in the shop and he needed a ride. I thought Suuuure Why not! The in the car conversation ended up dealing with my lips and my electrician story that played out like a porn (and happened to take place on the Doctor's brand new leather couch in his living room... but that is another story...) anyway... suddenly we seemed to be seeing each other differently. Our perspectives had changed. He has a girlfriend so at that point we didn't take it farther than the more serious flirting. But I drove home realizing that he was able to turn me on like almost no other has ever done before... But what to do... there seemed to be no way to go forward.

Well today, like I stated earlier, was that day when I was given a choice in regards to a question I have been pondering lately. "What is the question?" you might be asking yourself. Well... I suppose it is part question and part challenge to my self. It is thus.... "Why are you a virgin at 28? And why aren't you doing anything to change it since you know you want to?" Well today the flirting continued. The first comment Javier made to me was "Damn your breasts are amazing in that top!" which wasn't derrogatory for some reason. Mostly because I think the phrase was shocked out of him. My breasts did look amazing in that top, I must say. Well we continued from there. It was a day of joking, flirting, touching casually, then not so casually.. and all at work! In a doctor's office! I took a break from typing and went up front and since there wasn't anyone in the waiting area I ended up giving him a massage. Now, there are few things I think I was just born to do, massage is one of them as perhaps some of you can attest. But when I am turned on and there is a chance the man that I am working on is attracted to me, Well HELLO! My energy just opens up and pops... Suddenly I was connecting and hitting every spot that drew a sound... you know those sounds,... the ones they can't stop from coming out of their soul when you hit that right spot!.. I hit them all....Near the end of the day he finally came to me and said... "you know, my house is really close. You could come over and take me on a test drive." it sounds so cheesy to type it, but it was actually kind of hot when he said it. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I had been in a constant state of arousal all day that anything he said was hot! Well he left by saying, "But it is completely up to you." And that is when my heart started to pound... Because It WAS up to me. I could blow it off and pass it off as a joke, or I could instead, pardon the pun, blow him off and take it absolutely seriously. And at that moment I have never been so aware of everything. My fear of stepping out of the box I have been confined in (perhaps by choice), my desire that kept sweeping over me like the eternal, elemental, god-ly tide, my wonder if I had the courage to actually do this... All these things thrust against the cavity of my chest with every beat of my heart. One constant was in my head though...I had played it so cool.... I knew he believed me to be experienced in this game. Hell I'm a performer... I made him believe I was... That was a little frightening... You see, what if I had no idea what the hell to do? All of a sudden, my heart stopped beating madly... and a warmth spread over me... For I had realized... I could be anything I wanted to be, I could be a lover and because I hadn't told him I was a virgin, I could act the wonton! I could demand what I wanted him to do to me, I could touch him any way I wanted to, I could explore him and have him explore me... I was FREE to choose how this would play out. Because I had allowed myself to be open to the fact that I AM A LOVER! So... I made up my mind. I would go to his house and then I would leave and go to my rehearsal for a fund raiser I am doing. I stopped on the way at a Walgreens and played it safe. If you are going to play, let's be honest... we MUST play safe. I took care of myself. And I did it with confidence. I didn't try to hide the fact that I was buying contraceptives... i just bought them, AND IT FELT AMAZING! I made it to his house. He was getting ready to jump into the shower... He said I coud watch if I wanted... He would leave the door open and let me decide. I decided to watch him... There is something truly amazing about the male form... The way the air tapers to a thin line as it trails lower on the body. A yellow brick road leading to the emerald city... the place of dreams... (Yeah, I know I'm waxing poetic... but come on! If ever there was a day for it, it is today) I watched him... I never knew something so ordinary, so, "I do this everyday" could be so sexy! Every sense went on alert... I drank my water and watched more water flow all down him. After he got out of the shower things warmed back up... I won't go into detail (unless you write me and ask for them) but I shed a layer I don't believe I would ever shed today... It has been that one thing that I felt holding me back, and yet I didn't choose to change it until today. And not to tute my own horn, but afterwards... He couldn't move. He even said, "I think I am seriously blind. Or at the very least paralized!" He told me that I had shattered his control. He couldn't hold on for the usual hour... I took him beyond anything he ever knew before... I think I surprized him. I know I did... And damn... did it feel good.... on so many levels!

So... here I am... the Diva- without the big "V"...
Much love,.... glowing from California,
S.- the lover.

It's been a while....

2005-01-21T07:47:00.000-08:00

Well hello world!

It certainly has been a while since I've written here. The holidays have come and gone and now it's 2005. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! At this point I expected to be back in NYC- the town of my heart. Well like we all know, plans can be changed. I had a plane ticket and everything, but I was asked to stay here for a little bit longer and help out a friend. Dr. David Rogers... My sister's surgeon actually. He and I have become the greatest of friends. And we met all because of my sister needing another spinal surgery. WHO KNEW!!!! Anyway... the last few weeks I have been staying here in his fabulous manision at the top of Burbank Hills that over looks the entire valley. Pooooooooorrr Meeeeeee. I know... Aren't you heart broken? Yeah... me too. It has been amazing in the sense that I never have been witness to a friend wearing so many hats. And I thought we in the performing industry wore a lot of hats... well my friends, doctors have us beat! They literally have people's lives in their hands. It is amazing to me. Well I plan on returning to NYC soon. I don't know when exactly, but hopefully soon. I need to stay for now, however... It is the right thing for me to do and it will actually help me get out of debt which is my goal for 2005... on 1200 to go! WHOOO HOOOO!!!!!

Anyway friends,.... in whatever place this year brings you to, in whatever way you get there, may you be blessed and truly happy. For after all...... what meaning is there in life without happiness. Don't wait to be happy, just be it. It will all come about. If you believe... nothing is impossible.

Blessings,
Shawna

Just keep Rambling...

2004-10-26T02:08:00.000-07:00

So... number two huh... It is interesting to me. I went to work today... my first day in a retail job and I had the best time!!! I helped people and I think I made them feel good about themselves and thus that made me feel good about myself! A very cool circle that. Kindness to kindness, love to love, joy to joy, hope to hope... they all perpetuate themselves. I feel good tonight. Perhaps it is the joy from feeling useful for the first time in quite a while. Perhaps it is just because I am. I don't know the answer. That's ok though.

I got an email from a friend who is to be in town. He has flown all over to see me in shows merely because he is my friend. And because he made a promise to do so. He keeps his promises. The email I got was rather cold. And very strange coming from him. It was as if I didn't really know him any more, and more, that he really had no interest to know me either. I am probably just pre-menstral and so overly emotional, but it rather hurt. How silly to know that we can be hurt so easily and by such things as words typed on a screen of your computer. I remember a time when we passed notes in class and not email addresses. I remember when the net was just something you used to catch fish or butterflies not millions of bits of information. I remember when we communicated one on one and face to face and voice to voice. I remember that time, but I can't say if I'd go back. It may have been a more innocent time, but what we have gained is invaluable. We have the ability to love from afar, from literally thousands of miles away. And we have the ability to lose someone by merely the absence of thought. I know it seems strange to have been affected by an email that was no longer than 2 or three sentences, but I have been. I miss my friends. I miss who i used to be or rather who I have put on hiatus. I want that sexy strong woman back. I need to find her again. I felt her when i helped a lady pick out a pair of pants that are to be a christmas gift... What a world we live in where we can find ourselves in the acts we create with other people. Everyday or ordinary.... it matters not. We are what we love. We are what we live. And while I'll still love that friend of mine, I can still live with out him. No matter how much I'd rather not. Maybe it has all been misunderstood on my part. Maybe I understand perfectly.... whatever the answers... know that where ever you are, be it next door or the next country, I miss you. I love you. I want to see you and hold you in my arms. I don't want to lose you. For somehow I fear I will lose myself along with you if you go. So stay a while. Revel in the love that is around you everyday seen and unseen. For it is in that place that I wrap my arms around you and bring you close to my heart. Let us sleep with the heart beat of friendship our lullaby.

Nite friends,
S.

My very first rambling...

2004-10-19T01:11:00.000-07:00

Hello all.... I suppose this is merely just for me, but every once in a while I think I might actually have something to say that others might like to hear. I don't think this is one of those times, but I wanted to create this little ditty.

I got a call from my friend Lisa today. She spoke of purpose. She told me hers and I must admit I began to cry a little. You see, I have forgotten to even look for my purpose for a little while now. I had lost it along the way in all the silly stupid things I do everyday to defeat myself. The self hating, the denial of God-given gifts, the loss of joy in the everyday things. I had set it aside without even realizing that I had done so..... You see, I had cast it out, cast it aside with so much trash. By holding on to all the negative and dark in my light I hadn't left any room for the miraculous. AND MERELY LIVING IS MIRACULOUS! I am here today. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow. I don't know what my purpose will lead me to. But I do know that I have found it again. The turn around I had to perform to find it was a little rough, but I'll make it in the end. And afterall.... it is the journey and not the destination that makes up a life. We all know how it ends... So make the most of the journey until then.....

That is all anyone can do.