Saying Goodbye in 'Hello' to the Guy from the Train

Oh my its been a while... last post was November of 2008.

I can't even begin to tell everything that has happened in the last year and a half. Perhaps it is the fault of Facebook and my constant updating there that has made this fall to the waste-side... All I can say is hello again. Its good to be here.

I actually haven't even thought about blogging for quite some time. I'm here because someone mentioned reading this the other day... And it is him I speak of tonight.

SO... why must the moment exist when you suddenly realize that you are saying goodbye when you say hello?

The story I tell this evening almost seems like it could be out of a book. Girl gets on train, speaks briefly with the conductor, finds something incredibly intriguing about him and on a whim decided to give him her email address. (Yes girls, gone are the days when you HAD to give out your phone number) A few hours later... An email from him! The guy from the train. Weeks of emails ensue. Back and forth. Questions, answers, jokes, flirtations... every moment becoming more and more interested. Looking to see if he'd replied. Wondering if she'd see him again on the train. Phone numbers exchanged. Texting ensues. But oh no... He has a girl friend... OF 6 YEARS! DAMN! But still...she decides... 'we can be friends right!?' So the emails/texts continue.

He offers to help her move. Its the first time they've seen each other since that brief encounter on the train. And he's wonderful. Nothing awkward. Just laughter... lots of laughter. SO helpful and kind. He's so kind!

More talking. They sometimes hang out on her stoop before he has to work. Or sit on the couch and just talk. Yes... she's incredibly attracted to him. How could you not be?! Those eyes... the way they light up when he smiles. That laugh. Its the only time that while being hugged she's ever felt small. What a strange feeling.

Then one day they get together and have some fondue in the city. So much laughter... and he has her guess how she's put in his phone... 'Diva?' she guesses... 'Nope... guess again..." So she does... and again, and again... Until finally he tells her... "Broadway... You're Broadway." Wow.... how can he get her so quickly?

A few minutes after they part ways she gets a text...'Those creamy, soft, wonderful arms of yours. I like' Ooohhh-kkkaaayyyyy...... Wait... doesn't he have a girlfriend?! But he likes the one thing about herself that she's never really liked. Isn't that interesting!? The one thing she can't stand, he thinks of... well they keep texting.

This goes on for awhile. And the flirting becomes more direct. More fun. Its play. She seems to run into him randomly all the time. SO they chat and talk. And laugh and flirt.

And then it all turns a corner. Play and fun becomes more of a serious topic of conversation... Play becomes verbal FOREplay. Becomes questions and fantasies, and plans. And it all goes so quickly. Lord knows she played. ABSOLUTELY she did. This was not 'one-sided'. It was a tennis match of who could get whom. Until it got a bit out of hand. And there she was buying black sheer thigh highs at Macy's purposefully 'forgetting' the girlfriend.

Until she stopped and realized this was not the right choice for either of them. And things should just go back to when they just enjoyed hanging out together. But as she realized that he stopped all communication. He went away on a trip and she never heard from him again. She emailed him to see if he was ok. She tried to text. Not to start up the madness again... just to make sure he was alive. She worries about the people she cares for quite easily you see. But nothing...

She wrote him at a week and a half silent saying flat out that if he had changed his mind about speaking to her anymore that was fine. They are both adults after all. Just let her know he was ok... Nothing...

Three weeks later (tonight in fact) they run into each other while she's waiting for a friend for dinner. And in her head she thinks, 'Well... at least I know he's alive.' And instead says 'Hello.'

And somehow she knows that this hello is really 'goodbye'. And it makes her sad. Because she remembers the way he used to make her laugh.

He tells her, 'I had to give you up cold turkey'. Like she's a drug. Or a bad habit he needed to get away from. And frankly she can respect that. She asks about his girlfriend. Says how she's glad he's alright. And how she was planning on talking to him to say those nefarious plans shouldn't have been made. He mentions how it would have been the first time he would have ever 'stepped out' on his girl. They realize they had the same thoughts... It wasn't supposed to have turned into that, but there was just so much attraction and interest clouding the air. Making morals hazy.

So he hugs her. He says see you later. And she realizes that phrase may not actually come to pass. She stands there and doesn't watch him walk away because she knows it could very well be for the last time. And it makes her sad. She likes to pretend the wind is making her eyes a bit teary. But she just blinks those tears away before they have a chance to fall and greets her newly arrived friend with a smile.

Its very Jane Austin this story. But it is what I have lived the past few months. And sitting here on this side of it... I'm still a bit sad. Because he was such a wonderful man. And man how he could make me laugh. I felt lighter of spirit when he was around. I'd like to say I wish that corner never had been turned. But I can't. Because the knowledge that someone wanted me as much as he did is powerful. The circumstances weren't right. We all know that now. And I don't think either of us would have actually acted on those plans (no matter how many pairs of thigh high black stockings I bought). We are better people than that...

Alas... For now -'Hello' was instead 'goodbye'. I don't need to be someone's bad habit or their addiction that they need to stop cold turkey.

I just want to be somebody's first choice. Their desired one. So that the plans we make together are plans to build upon. Not to tear something else that is special down.

I hope I get to talk to my friend again one day. When the drug-like desire has passed. Cause I've missed him these last weeks. I miss him still...

So man from the train. You know who you are... I wish you well. I wish you and your lady happy. I never wanted to interfere with that. My friend--- If you ever want to say hello and mean just that... I'm here. Perhaps sitting on my stoop watching the cherry blossoms bloom. But always a phone/text/email away. It will be your choice. Until then... Be Happy. Be Well. Be Blessed.

S.