Endings and Beginnings

Its taken a while for me to write about endings. Most specifically the passing of one of the most important people in my life. My grandpa Lauren Bobby Smalley. To me he was always Grandpa Bob. Actually... he was just Grandpa. He had been sick for a very long time. It wasn't really until the last few months though that he began to just fade away. It is almost hard to remember a time when he was in good health. On top of a heart condition he had a spinal disorder that was degenerative and just got more and more painful as the months and years went by. I do remember when it became so bad that he had to give up golfing. He LOVED to golf. Calaway clubs were his favorite. He and my dad always went together. I think he missed golfing til the day he passed. It was because of his failing health that his interest in computers became a true obsession! He always had the best programs and always knew how to use the shortcuts. He knew all the tricks and turns. He taught me things I still use! I think partly because we shared a birthday and partly because it is just the kind of man he was, but I always felt like a favorite. (To be honest... I think all his grandkids thought they were his favorite... And somehow... we all were.) To know that you are loved completely, for being exactly as you are, it made the biggest difference in my life. I was (and am) blessed to know the love of my family, my parents, my sister, and now her husband. But it is always the love of my gpa that I remember most about him. He always believed in me. In my destiny. In my calling. He always supported it and prayed for me. He showed me faith. And taught me how to find it in my everyday life. How to live with faith and in faith. And how to believe even when the road seems impassable and the way impossible. Those are words he taught me to set aside. Can't, impossible, never... all words to set aside. Faith, Hope, Charity, Love, Joy, Blessings, Believe, Dream, Strive, Search, Find... all words to cherish. It was always my biggest dream to be able to see his face when I told him I landed my Broadway show. It was a dream to have him marry me like he married my parents and my sister and her husband. And I think perhaps that is the hardest part of his Promotion to Glory as he wanted it called. I have to say goodbye to dreams I ALWAYS thought would come true. And while a portion of those dreams will come into being (I WILL land my broadway show soon and I will one day find the man who I am meant to marry) it hurts to realize they will never be the way I had hoped. I imagine reading this you might think it selfish of me to state that the loss of two of my dreams is the worst part of losing him. There are many things I mourn with his passing, but the passing itself was a complete blessing for him. The way he was existing the last months was in NO way living. It was a blessing for him to finally see the face of a Saviour he has always believed in. To speak and worship God in all His glory. He taught me to believe those things are waiting for me too. In thinking about that moment.. when ever it is meant to happen for me, I realize that it isn't just God's face I long to see. I know Grandpa will be at the front of the welcome line. He'll be the first to hug me and say how proud he was of me that day I took my bow. How beautiful he thought I looked the day I got married. How excited he was to see my children brought into the world and how he watched all of us grow. That will make me really happy. See... I have faith that it will happen just like that. Because that's what he taught me to believe.

And so I begin a new part of my life. Still on the road of my destiny. Still striving and succeeding and shining. But this time without the tamber of his voice in my ear when I need him to pray for me. I will just have to be blessed that I can feel his love even now. Warmly spreading its grace throughout my body and indeed every aspect of my life. And so beginnings... everyday, in every moment I will be grateful. I will believe that now I have a big man upstairs who has the ear of the BIGGEST man upstairs and my gpa will send out the legions of angels to protect and work on my behalf. That's just the kind of guy he was, my grandpa. A gentle warrior every crusading for faith and love and joy and hope and grace and destiny. A mighty warrior because he was gentle. He was fierce friend. And he will never be forgotten, least of all by me.

It is strange how destiny leads. Sometimes with victory, sometimes with loss. The key lies in realizing that both serve us equally. One is just easier to deal with than the other. They each in their own way help to affect our course along the path. It is only because we are strong enough to believe in their importance that we can ever see the path at all.

In what ever way destiny is leading you today... may you have the strength to just stay the course.
As ever I send you my love.
Shawna