Wading through fear.

Now I know this isn't my usual post... Frankly, do I ever have a regular post? At this moment I am swimming in fear. I can smell it on myself.... I haven't shaken this much since... well since ever. Now this is very graphic as far as bodily functions go, but I need to express it or you won't know the basis of my fear, or why it is striking so fiercely at me at this moment. About 30 minutes ago I left my room to use the bathroom. Big deal right. Well after I had gone I realized that the tissue was covered in blood. "OK." I thought... "I've been expecting aunt flow so here she is..." Then I realized that it wasn't Good ol' flow coming for a visit. This was completely different... Blood was streaming (or what seemed to me to be streaming) from my anus. I thought to myself... No wait. This can't be right. It's supposed to be well from somewhere a lil north of there.... But it was. And it just kept showing up. More and more. And I got really frightened. All I could think of was my Grandmother... She just died of colon cancer. And it made me even more scared.... So now all these thoughts of death are running through my mind. And I am not the one in the family who jumps to the most dramatic answer or possibility, I leave that to dear ol' sis. But here I am in a place I have never been before... Abject fear. Streaming off of me. Literally.... So I went to my roommate's computer and went to WebMD. I typed in my symptoms and up came a few possibilities. hemorrhoids, Colon polyps, colitis, Crohn's disease, and colorectal cancer. All I could see for the first minutes was the cancer word. My grandfather just died of it. My grandmother too. My mother had a cyst on her overy (non-cancerous thank God!) All these things... That word was all I could see..... I eventually researched a little more. I think I have hemorroids. I pulled a muscle in my upper back which has made it difficult to breathe all day. I kept holding my breath to pick things up and straining to move... I aggrevated the weak muscles down there. I gave myself hemorroids! While they say a proper diagnosis is important I think this is the correct one. And frankly, without insurance, I can't go for a regular diagnosis. I can't afford the thousands of dollars it would take. So the next thing I researched was insurance. I've been wanting it for a while. Specially with all the crap going on in my family. I need it. I just can't get over my fear... What if it's cancer. What would I do then? I sit here sobbing not wanting to wake Nathan up, but wanting him out here anyway. Wanting to not be going through this all alone. I didn't realize how much fear I have around cancer. I didn't know it was lurking within me waiting for something like this to bring it all up. So now what? DO I ignore it all and just go try and get comfortable in bed? Do I call my family and freak them out? WHAT DO I DO??? I know there won't be any answer as I send this out into cyberspace, but maybe, just maybe getting it out of my head will help me sleep. Or at least help me breathe a little...

What would I do if I did have cancer? What would that mean? Would I be different that I am? Would I fight to my death! Yes I would. I would NOT give up like my grandmother who had so many people love her and yet only wanted to follow a man who was oftentimes cruel into the grave. I won't go quietly I know that. I don't even truly believe I have cancer. I just have the fear of it and until I can get it out into the light, talk about it, then it will fester. I can't let that happen...

I'm not sobbing anymore. Just a few tears falling every once in a while. Thank you. For just being on the other end of this even if you never read it. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for having the courage to love yourself. Thank you.
~S.