Just keep Rambling...

So... number two huh... It is interesting to me. I went to work today... my first day in a retail job and I had the best time!!! I helped people and I think I made them feel good about themselves and thus that made me feel good about myself! A very cool circle that. Kindness to kindness, love to love, joy to joy, hope to hope... they all perpetuate themselves. I feel good tonight. Perhaps it is the joy from feeling useful for the first time in quite a while. Perhaps it is just because I am. I don't know the answer. That's ok though.

I got an email from a friend who is to be in town. He has flown all over to see me in shows merely because he is my friend. And because he made a promise to do so. He keeps his promises. The email I got was rather cold. And very strange coming from him. It was as if I didn't really know him any more, and more, that he really had no interest to know me either. I am probably just pre-menstral and so overly emotional, but it rather hurt. How silly to know that we can be hurt so easily and by such things as words typed on a screen of your computer. I remember a time when we passed notes in class and not email addresses. I remember when the net was just something you used to catch fish or butterflies not millions of bits of information. I remember when we communicated one on one and face to face and voice to voice. I remember that time, but I can't say if I'd go back. It may have been a more innocent time, but what we have gained is invaluable. We have the ability to love from afar, from literally thousands of miles away. And we have the ability to lose someone by merely the absence of thought. I know it seems strange to have been affected by an email that was no longer than 2 or three sentences, but I have been. I miss my friends. I miss who i used to be or rather who I have put on hiatus. I want that sexy strong woman back. I need to find her again. I felt her when i helped a lady pick out a pair of pants that are to be a christmas gift... What a world we live in where we can find ourselves in the acts we create with other people. Everyday or ordinary.... it matters not. We are what we love. We are what we live. And while I'll still love that friend of mine, I can still live with out him. No matter how much I'd rather not. Maybe it has all been misunderstood on my part. Maybe I understand perfectly.... whatever the answers... know that where ever you are, be it next door or the next country, I miss you. I love you. I want to see you and hold you in my arms. I don't want to lose you. For somehow I fear I will lose myself along with you if you go. So stay a while. Revel in the love that is around you everyday seen and unseen. For it is in that place that I wrap my arms around you and bring you close to my heart. Let us sleep with the heart beat of friendship our lullaby.

Nite friends,
S.

My very first rambling...

Hello all.... I suppose this is merely just for me, but every once in a while I think I might actually have something to say that others might like to hear. I don't think this is one of those times, but I wanted to create this little ditty.

I got a call from my friend Lisa today. She spoke of purpose. She told me hers and I must admit I began to cry a little. You see, I have forgotten to even look for my purpose for a little while now. I had lost it along the way in all the silly stupid things I do everyday to defeat myself. The self hating, the denial of God-given gifts, the loss of joy in the everyday things. I had set it aside without even realizing that I had done so..... You see, I had cast it out, cast it aside with so much trash. By holding on to all the negative and dark in my light I hadn't left any room for the miraculous. AND MERELY LIVING IS MIRACULOUS! I am here today. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow. I don't know what my purpose will lead me to. But I do know that I have found it again. The turn around I had to perform to find it was a little rough, but I'll make it in the end. And afterall.... it is the journey and not the destination that makes up a life. We all know how it ends... So make the most of the journey until then.....

That is all anyone can do.