Saying Goodbye in 'Hello' to the Guy from the Train

Oh my its been a while... last post was November of 2008.

I can't even begin to tell everything that has happened in the last year and a half. Perhaps it is the fault of Facebook and my constant updating there that has made this fall to the waste-side... All I can say is hello again. Its good to be here.

I actually haven't even thought about blogging for quite some time. I'm here because someone mentioned reading this the other day... And it is him I speak of tonight.

SO... why must the moment exist when you suddenly realize that you are saying goodbye when you say hello?

The story I tell this evening almost seems like it could be out of a book. Girl gets on train, speaks briefly with the conductor, finds something incredibly intriguing about him and on a whim decided to give him her email address. (Yes girls, gone are the days when you HAD to give out your phone number) A few hours later... An email from him! The guy from the train. Weeks of emails ensue. Back and forth. Questions, answers, jokes, flirtations... every moment becoming more and more interested. Looking to see if he'd replied. Wondering if she'd see him again on the train. Phone numbers exchanged. Texting ensues. But oh no... He has a girl friend... OF 6 YEARS! DAMN! But still...she decides... 'we can be friends right!?' So the emails/texts continue.

He offers to help her move. Its the first time they've seen each other since that brief encounter on the train. And he's wonderful. Nothing awkward. Just laughter... lots of laughter. SO helpful and kind. He's so kind!

More talking. They sometimes hang out on her stoop before he has to work. Or sit on the couch and just talk. Yes... she's incredibly attracted to him. How could you not be?! Those eyes... the way they light up when he smiles. That laugh. Its the only time that while being hugged she's ever felt small. What a strange feeling.

Then one day they get together and have some fondue in the city. So much laughter... and he has her guess how she's put in his phone... 'Diva?' she guesses... 'Nope... guess again..." So she does... and again, and again... Until finally he tells her... "Broadway... You're Broadway." Wow.... how can he get her so quickly?

A few minutes after they part ways she gets a text...'Those creamy, soft, wonderful arms of yours. I like' Ooohhh-kkkaaayyyyy...... Wait... doesn't he have a girlfriend?! But he likes the one thing about herself that she's never really liked. Isn't that interesting!? The one thing she can't stand, he thinks of... well they keep texting.

This goes on for awhile. And the flirting becomes more direct. More fun. Its play. She seems to run into him randomly all the time. SO they chat and talk. And laugh and flirt.

And then it all turns a corner. Play and fun becomes more of a serious topic of conversation... Play becomes verbal FOREplay. Becomes questions and fantasies, and plans. And it all goes so quickly. Lord knows she played. ABSOLUTELY she did. This was not 'one-sided'. It was a tennis match of who could get whom. Until it got a bit out of hand. And there she was buying black sheer thigh highs at Macy's purposefully 'forgetting' the girlfriend.

Until she stopped and realized this was not the right choice for either of them. And things should just go back to when they just enjoyed hanging out together. But as she realized that he stopped all communication. He went away on a trip and she never heard from him again. She emailed him to see if he was ok. She tried to text. Not to start up the madness again... just to make sure he was alive. She worries about the people she cares for quite easily you see. But nothing...

She wrote him at a week and a half silent saying flat out that if he had changed his mind about speaking to her anymore that was fine. They are both adults after all. Just let her know he was ok... Nothing...

Three weeks later (tonight in fact) they run into each other while she's waiting for a friend for dinner. And in her head she thinks, 'Well... at least I know he's alive.' And instead says 'Hello.'

And somehow she knows that this hello is really 'goodbye'. And it makes her sad. Because she remembers the way he used to make her laugh.

He tells her, 'I had to give you up cold turkey'. Like she's a drug. Or a bad habit he needed to get away from. And frankly she can respect that. She asks about his girlfriend. Says how she's glad he's alright. And how she was planning on talking to him to say those nefarious plans shouldn't have been made. He mentions how it would have been the first time he would have ever 'stepped out' on his girl. They realize they had the same thoughts... It wasn't supposed to have turned into that, but there was just so much attraction and interest clouding the air. Making morals hazy.

So he hugs her. He says see you later. And she realizes that phrase may not actually come to pass. She stands there and doesn't watch him walk away because she knows it could very well be for the last time. And it makes her sad. She likes to pretend the wind is making her eyes a bit teary. But she just blinks those tears away before they have a chance to fall and greets her newly arrived friend with a smile.

Its very Jane Austin this story. But it is what I have lived the past few months. And sitting here on this side of it... I'm still a bit sad. Because he was such a wonderful man. And man how he could make me laugh. I felt lighter of spirit when he was around. I'd like to say I wish that corner never had been turned. But I can't. Because the knowledge that someone wanted me as much as he did is powerful. The circumstances weren't right. We all know that now. And I don't think either of us would have actually acted on those plans (no matter how many pairs of thigh high black stockings I bought). We are better people than that...

Alas... For now -'Hello' was instead 'goodbye'. I don't need to be someone's bad habit or their addiction that they need to stop cold turkey.

I just want to be somebody's first choice. Their desired one. So that the plans we make together are plans to build upon. Not to tear something else that is special down.

I hope I get to talk to my friend again one day. When the drug-like desire has passed. Cause I've missed him these last weeks. I miss him still...

So man from the train. You know who you are... I wish you well. I wish you and your lady happy. I never wanted to interfere with that. My friend--- If you ever want to say hello and mean just that... I'm here. Perhaps sitting on my stoop watching the cherry blossoms bloom. But always a phone/text/email away. It will be your choice. Until then... Be Happy. Be Well. Be Blessed.

S.

When you're first in the room

Don't screw up.

Or better... know your music so that you don't let the accompianst boss you around.

Oh well... My audition was fine. I was warmed up vocally and I sang a new song which was fun (even if it did end up being played double time). And it was an audition. Cause let's be honest folks.... Auditions are few and far between lately.

I do have the day off today however. That is very exciting! I am trying to really embrace my cut down hours at good ol "Vicky's". IN thinking back... I realized that during my full time hours I sat there wishing that I could do a Broadway show and cut my day job hours down to about 30. Well the hours are down to about 30. I think the only explaination is that the Broadway show is just about here! At least that's how I choose to look at it.

Things are really good. Sure money is tight all around, but I don't believe that is how I am meant to live so I choose to live in abundance! Abundance is MUCH better. I am grateful I am able to have my apartment all to myself. I am able to pay all the bill and still go out to lunch or dinner or a movie with friends. That's a good life! And it will only keep getting better.

Perhaps I'll start booking more movies. I really want those! I have filmed two of them now. "When In Rome" and "The Winning Season". I think you might actually get to see me in "When in Rome". Look for me in the wedding scene. I should be there dancing away behind the lead characters.

I'd love to have a role in a movie that was a speaking role! Or maybe get on an episode of Law and Order: SVU or CI. That would be really fun!

So there are possiblilities. Those will lead to opportunities. And that will lead on to many more realities. Everyday I believe I am where I am meant to be doing what I am meant to be doing. And really... that is what life is about.

Where ever you are... I hope you are blessed. I hope you are well. I hope you are happy.
Love,
S.

Believing in the possible of "impossible" happenings

A thought for today...

I was recently having a lovely dinner with some friends here in the city when we began to talk about ideas or dreams that seem impossible. Now as for me... I have never liked that word. It gets my dander up, as my grandma would say. It rubs me completely the wrong way! I am a great believer in the miraculous. Things which seem as if there is no hope suddenly occurring out of the blue. That's how I love and live my life. It is a constant truth in this business of show that miracles happen everyday. They may be small, they may only affect you on a minute personal level, but they happen every single day. I think most people forget to honor those small miracles. I have tried (but sometimes completely fail) to remember to honor those miracles in my own day to day experiences. It is a challenge. In truth, it is a behavior that must be learned. Practiced. Pounded into your head until it becomes a habit. I'm getting there. I realized that it is when I need to glory in the small things the most that I forget them the most. Instead I look for that BIG miracle. The one that will launch me out of the pool of doubt I seem to be treading in and bring back the glory of the sun! Silly me... small miracles are easier to build upon and create big ones out of!

I've been in a little funk lately. The death of a beloved one has left me floundering a bit. Not that it wasn't expected, but that it occurred at all has affected every aspect of my life. More so than any other loss I have had up til this point in my life. There is a message I have had saved in my voice mail since 2006. I love it so much that I have kept it there to listen to when I need a lift. Most days I just skip over it, taking comfort in the knowledge that it is there. Well every once in a while the voicemail makes you listen to them again to decide if you still want to keep it. It was perhaps the week after the memorial service when his voice came out of my cell phone. The message says, "Hey Shawner, its Grandpa and I was wanting to talk to you to tell you that I love you. But I guess this isn't the right time to do that so I'll just say it here. We were thinking about you and we wanted to tell you that we love you today. Alright. Well love you. Bye bye." I sat there the phone clutched to my ear and cried. Ok... I'm crying now writing it, but to hear the voice of one lost forever to the physical world suddenly saying they love you... well it just makes you realize the even cell phones and voicemail can be miracles.

I think the point of sharing this with you is because I'd forgotten that. I'd forgotten that sometimes the biggest and most powerful miracles can be words spoken in a passing moment. For you, perhaps easily forgotten... but words live on. They lift you up, they make you cry, they give you hope, incite our anger, plead with our souls, soothe our hearts, make us laugh, cut our enemies down, build them back up, make them friends. Words change the world.

Words... Like "Impossible". Yeah... I've come back to it. You knew I would. "Impossible" has inspired more people to go out and create and succeed than possibly any other word in creation. (Except perhaps love) Something about it fires us up and makes us dig down and reach for strength we never knew we had. "I'll show you~!" it makes us say. And in general... We do. We show them. So this is my point... situations which seem "impossible" are really just another example of events that have a great deal to teach us, about ourselves, our dreams, our faith.

One of my favorite quotes goes like this... "If you believe and want it enough... NOTHING is impossible."

So my wish that goes out to you tonight is this... Believe. Want it MORE than enough. More than others think is wise. Then you'll truly find the universe brings situations and events to fruition that never could have occurred otherwise. Believe in possibilities instead. Even the ones that seem ridiculous. Because only we can determine how far we can go. Only we can limit ourselves. No one else has that power.

Believe. Just believe its all possible. I do.
As ever I send you my love.
S.

Endings and Beginnings

Its taken a while for me to write about endings. Most specifically the passing of one of the most important people in my life. My grandpa Lauren Bobby Smalley. To me he was always Grandpa Bob. Actually... he was just Grandpa. He had been sick for a very long time. It wasn't really until the last few months though that he began to just fade away. It is almost hard to remember a time when he was in good health. On top of a heart condition he had a spinal disorder that was degenerative and just got more and more painful as the months and years went by. I do remember when it became so bad that he had to give up golfing. He LOVED to golf. Calaway clubs were his favorite. He and my dad always went together. I think he missed golfing til the day he passed. It was because of his failing health that his interest in computers became a true obsession! He always had the best programs and always knew how to use the shortcuts. He knew all the tricks and turns. He taught me things I still use! I think partly because we shared a birthday and partly because it is just the kind of man he was, but I always felt like a favorite. (To be honest... I think all his grandkids thought they were his favorite... And somehow... we all were.) To know that you are loved completely, for being exactly as you are, it made the biggest difference in my life. I was (and am) blessed to know the love of my family, my parents, my sister, and now her husband. But it is always the love of my gpa that I remember most about him. He always believed in me. In my destiny. In my calling. He always supported it and prayed for me. He showed me faith. And taught me how to find it in my everyday life. How to live with faith and in faith. And how to believe even when the road seems impassable and the way impossible. Those are words he taught me to set aside. Can't, impossible, never... all words to set aside. Faith, Hope, Charity, Love, Joy, Blessings, Believe, Dream, Strive, Search, Find... all words to cherish. It was always my biggest dream to be able to see his face when I told him I landed my Broadway show. It was a dream to have him marry me like he married my parents and my sister and her husband. And I think perhaps that is the hardest part of his Promotion to Glory as he wanted it called. I have to say goodbye to dreams I ALWAYS thought would come true. And while a portion of those dreams will come into being (I WILL land my broadway show soon and I will one day find the man who I am meant to marry) it hurts to realize they will never be the way I had hoped. I imagine reading this you might think it selfish of me to state that the loss of two of my dreams is the worst part of losing him. There are many things I mourn with his passing, but the passing itself was a complete blessing for him. The way he was existing the last months was in NO way living. It was a blessing for him to finally see the face of a Saviour he has always believed in. To speak and worship God in all His glory. He taught me to believe those things are waiting for me too. In thinking about that moment.. when ever it is meant to happen for me, I realize that it isn't just God's face I long to see. I know Grandpa will be at the front of the welcome line. He'll be the first to hug me and say how proud he was of me that day I took my bow. How beautiful he thought I looked the day I got married. How excited he was to see my children brought into the world and how he watched all of us grow. That will make me really happy. See... I have faith that it will happen just like that. Because that's what he taught me to believe.

And so I begin a new part of my life. Still on the road of my destiny. Still striving and succeeding and shining. But this time without the tamber of his voice in my ear when I need him to pray for me. I will just have to be blessed that I can feel his love even now. Warmly spreading its grace throughout my body and indeed every aspect of my life. And so beginnings... everyday, in every moment I will be grateful. I will believe that now I have a big man upstairs who has the ear of the BIGGEST man upstairs and my gpa will send out the legions of angels to protect and work on my behalf. That's just the kind of guy he was, my grandpa. A gentle warrior every crusading for faith and love and joy and hope and grace and destiny. A mighty warrior because he was gentle. He was fierce friend. And he will never be forgotten, least of all by me.

It is strange how destiny leads. Sometimes with victory, sometimes with loss. The key lies in realizing that both serve us equally. One is just easier to deal with than the other. They each in their own way help to affect our course along the path. It is only because we are strong enough to believe in their importance that we can ever see the path at all.

In what ever way destiny is leading you today... may you have the strength to just stay the course.
As ever I send you my love.
Shawna

A thought for today.

I'm at work right now (temping at the creative offices of Victoria's Secret Beauty- and loving it btw) and a thought has crossed my mind...

Why is it when we reach some of our goals and dreams do we suddenly let them become commonplace?

This is how this thought all started... There is an audition today. It is at the Actor's Equity building and for a theater which is doing 3 shows I would actually be really great for. But did I get there in time to get a time slot? Nope... I didn't. I got up early and everything, but I took my time in the shower, getting ready took forever...Basically I screwed myself over. And it's like I did it on purpose. I sabotaged myself. WHY ON EARTH DID I DO THAT?

Then I realized. I was being a whiny baby. I didn't want to have to get up. I wanted to have an appointment. I've now been sitting here realizing what power we have to create the situations we live within. I thought I should have something GIVEN to me and didn't use my own power to just get the hell up and go get it myself! THIS IS MY JOB. THIS is what I love to do. So why am I treating this process as commonplace and ordinary? It isn't. In rereading some old posts I talked about how I dreamed of becoming Equity. How I dreamed of living in NYC all the time. I HAVE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS! And did I take advantage of that fact? Nope I screwed around and wasted time and by doing so-- completely wasted an opportunity. I realize there will me many, many more now that the audition season is coming, but this is a mistake. Today--- well today this wasted morning is my fault.

To be honest... I am grateful to an extent that it happened today. Its a wake-up call for me. Here is my conclusion...

In life we are given the choice as to whether we use the gifts and talents we were blessed with or not. No one will make us fight for our dreams, for our very destiny unless WE do. This business is so difficult. People don't understand the level of skills you must have in so many different areas of expertise to even attempt this job. While they are called "plays" and it is certainly fun to do... this isn't playing around. This is as technical a job as any other, be it an engineer, a scientist or an accountant. Each of those jobs requires a skill set that must be earned. You don't just wake up one day with all the skill and knowledge of how to build a bridge. You have to learn it. Yes, there is a lot of natural ability that must be present in all careers for you to have a chance at making an impact in the world, but there is also learning that must be done! In talking to a friend last night, we realized that there is a lack of respect for what we do. Even to this day people can treat you like a joke. "Here- write a song for an event, you have 2 days, but let me tell you how to do it even though I know NOTHING of being artistic" What disrespect was shown to my friend. He is an amazing artist who is amazing at business too. He does what he must and stays in a place he doesn't very much like so that he can do what he has passion for. That takes guts. As much as struggling every day to go out and hit the audition circuit. He wishes he could have the ability to hit the circuit more. And here I am today blowing a chance. Frankly, I showed him disrespect by wasting chances. So darlin.... I'm sorry. Its woken me up though. And like I said it comes at the perfect time. Right before the audition season kicks into full gear.

So... no more wasted chances. This is my dream. I AM SERIOUSLY LIVING MY GREATEST DREAMS RIGHT NOW! And I refuse any longer to sit idly by and let chances pass me. This is my destiny, but you have to fight for your destiny to prove yourself worthy of all that is to come. So I will fight. I will get past this disappointment within me for something that was obviously not supposed to be mine anyway and fight for whatever IS meant to be mine. (I know you don't understand that last sentence, but I do.) This is my town. MY HOME. And it is a privilege to be here. An honor many dream of and never accomplish.

This life I am living is in no way commonplace. Nor are the things I am going to accomplish with this life. The point I suppose is this... Dreams help to shape us into the person we were always meant to be. Do not allow yourself to forget. Do not allow yourself to let them become ordinary or you yourself will become thus. I refuse to be ordinary. I refuse to be commonplace.

Instead... I will be more than I ever dreamed possible. And I will become such because I BELIEVE it to be so. I have the faith to remain strong while I pursue this destiny. And I will fight for it. And by fighting in faith and with heart those that will change my life will have the space to enter in and do the work they are meant to do. They will give the respect that is deserved. They will recognize the talents and skills I offer. They will be what they were meant to be so that I can be the same.

Where ever you are in life I urge you to do the same. It doesn't matter if you work in the arts or not. You have passion for something that is uniquely yours. What ever that might be I ask you to fight for it. Is it painting? Or writing? Or numbers? Helping others? Healing? Listening? Scrapbooking? What ever it is... cherish it. Don't push it aside. Don't let it become commonplace. Life is too short to allow for regrets. Even if you fail, you'll always know that you had the guts to try. And THAT... that is a joy least often found. The joy that comes only through courage.

No regrets. No fear. Only chances and the guts to actually take them as them come.

May you be well. May you be happy. May you ALWAYS be brave.
Shawna

Its 2008!

So.... I never really promised to be very good at the whole blogging thing. In fact I just realized it has been one year to the very day since I have last written anything here! So much has happened... WAY TOO MUCH TO WRITE IT ALL OUT HERE! So I will just start with a quick recap of some important events and then full accounts starting with THIS year. I had marvelous blessings by being able to be a part of over 7 shows. The Molly Maguires was a particular favorite. I was also blessed to fulfill a life long professional goal of being hired at Sacramento Music Circus. They were the very first professional audition I ever went on back in the Los Angeles days when I decided to go for the gold out in the Golden state! Obviously it took a little while to get there, but get there I did in Hello Dolly. While I was up in Sacramento I got a call from Disney asking me to come down to LA to audition for a tour they were sending out. I was cleared to miss half a day of rehearsal and off I went. Just because it is unbelievable to me (and I actually did it) I have to tell you how the day went... I started in rehearsal from 9 til 12, made my 1 pm flight which landed in Orange county almost 20 mins early, got my rental car by 2:30 and made my 3 pm appointment time at Disneyland rehearsal studios. It went so well that I ended up having to change my flight home to the next morning from a different airport. (The cost of the air ticket change: 25 bucks... the rental car... $0!!!!) I landed at 8:55 and made it to rehearsal by 9:03! WOW!!!! I can't believe it worked out so perfectly! And then I got the job!!! I was the only girl in a 3 person show that went along the west coast and into Canada! IT was a bus tour, but we were rockstars on that bus! So that was another life dream checked off the list... Work for Disney... CHECK!

Well....Here it is the 21st of January 2008 and I have already rehearsed and completed 2 shows here in NYC! One was a quick run at The Public Theater in which I sang with a marvelous group of people from every walk of life.

The other show just ended today actually... It was a workshop for a musical by Joe Brooks (composer and Oscar winner for the song "You Light Up My Life") called Metropolis. It was pretty crazy. It is based on the 1927 movie of the same name which I've heard said was one of the most important Si Fi films ever made. It makes an interesting musical. It CERTAINLY needs work, but it was fun to spend 29 hours on it.

At the moment I am temping with Victoria's Secret in the corporate offices. I am actually administrative assistant to two VPs in the creative department! It is awesome. I love it there. They are so nice and are so excited that I am a performer! It makes it so much easier when I have to take off time for a show (or shows) and/or auditions. They really do like that I am a performer. What a difference it makes! Auditions have been really going well. While I haven't booked anything huge yet, everything I HAVE booked is a very important step on the road I am traveling!

Things, important things are happening I know this year. I can just feel it in the air.

I FINALLY HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE!!!!!! That a was a big goal for this year and here it is January and that too is checked off the list. I am also having a website created for me... www.ShawnaHamic.com! IT looks awesome! We are tweaking things still so it isn't officially up, but I know it will be soon.

Well I am off to bed and then off to work tomorrow. Life is really great. Even with the eminent passing of my grandpa... life is still amazing. He's ready to go and while I'll miss him like no other person in my life, I know he NEEDS his "promotion to Glory" as he puts it. It's just time...

So where ever you are... where ever life is taking you be it good or bad... I pray you enjoy the ride. That's the point after all isn't it!

Much love,
Shawna

New Year New York

I haven't written a blog in a very long time. I'm not saying that now that it is 2007 I'll be better at it, but perhaps this year will bring me so much to tell everyone that I won't be able to resist!

I am still here in NYC following my heart and achieving my destiny. I have been to many places and done many things since I last wrote. I have finally become a member of Actor's Equity association through doing a show at Mt. Gretna Playhouse over last summer. Right after I got back to the city I booked a show in the NY Musical Theater Festival (The Screams of Kitty Genovese) and that was amazing. While I was in rehearsal for that I was asked to come in to audition for a production of Guys and Dolls which was to perform at the Macao International Music Festival in China. I got the gig and performed the role of General Cartwright. It was a blast. We had a 38 piece orchestra in the pit and the theater was sold out every night. All 2000 seats! The best part is that it brought Justin & I back to working together in the same show! How I loved it... even if I really didn't get to see him that much cause he did a lot in the show and I only had like 2 scenes. Although... they did write a reprise of Sit Down You're Rockin the Boat just for me! That was something else!

As for a day job, I have been working at MetLife with my roommate Nathan. (Although he is about to leave me for a wonderful apartment on his own--- which I totally understand and say if I could afford it, Lord knows I'd be doing it too!) They are great at MetLife and while it is a temp job I like it there. They understand where my goals are and know that if I were to get a show I would leave.

There were many things that happened last year... Equity card... Met some people who will be life long friends... James B. Kerri. Lisa H. Piper A. On and on... And on Dec 4th I had a really amazing experience. I had my first (of many to come) Broadway callback. It was for Disney's The Little Mermaid and I was called back for the ensemble. In truth though... I think I was called back as a possible Ursula understudy. I was amazed to actually get the callback really. I did the EPA way back on Oct 3rd. (I only remember the date because I thought it was funny that I was doing an audition for the show on the day Disney was releasing the 2 disk dvd of the movie) It had been 2 months since I auditioned and I hadn't heard anything until that moment. Tara Rubin is casting the show and she was at the door and brought me into the room. She complimented me on my coat (it was gold and fabulous!) I thanked her. I met the assistant Music director Brian and they had me sing. I sang the song that had gotten me the call in the first place- Love you Didn't Do RIght By Me- from White Christmas the movie. Lovely jazz ballad and NO ONE does it! Brian when I was done said how that was one of his favorite songs and asked what else could I do. I offered him a lyric soprano or a big belty number. He asked for the lyric so I sang How Could I Ever Know from Secret Garden. He said how that was another of his favorite songs. He looked at Tara Rubin and there occurred a silent communication between them. She turned to me and asked me if I needed to be any where right away. I said I was happy to wait. She said, well we want you to go back out into the hall because we want to you sing for a mystery guest when they arrive. I happily called into MetLife to say I might be a little later than I thought and I sat down to await the arrival of the Mystery Guest. It was only about 30 to 40 minutes later when a man went into the room. Tara came out and asked my back in. Brian said why don't you sing from the bridge out in Love you didn't... I said sure and I sang it. Then he asked for the end of How could I ever know... I did that. The mystery guest asked Do you have anything balls out big and belty? I offered up The end section of the Lilias White version of Brotherhood of Man from How to Succeed. He said that was fine. I sang that very well. He turned to them nodded and got up and left. There were 3 other people who he was supposed to see by this point, but he only saw me. They were to bring the others back another time. And that was that... my first callback (really my first 2 callbacks) for a major broadway show. And I couldn't have asked for anything to go better. I left there knowing that there wasn't a note I could have sung better, a song or style I wish I would have had the chance to show them. I sang all three of the songs I was deciding between when first thinking about this callback. ALL THREE of them! I looked good, sounded better, presented myself exactly as I am and I left knowing there wasn't anything more I could have done. At that point (while walking up Broadway after leaving the Hilton Theater-where the audition happened) I looked up and said to God... It's yours now. There isn't anything more I could have done. It's up to you now. And that is true. Even know I know that to be true...... Well..... I don't believe I got it. They are almost through with casting and from the message boards it looks like they are going a different way with Ursula. It was possibly to be Emily Skinner (who I actually look a lot like), but it looks like they changed their minds and now are casting skinny Sheri Renee Scott. Who I look NOTHING like! :o) Well at least it isn't because I wasn't good enough. I just wasn't right for what they decided to do. The cast list isn't out yet, so I think I'll always have it in the back of my mind that there is still some reason to hope... but I just don't think it is meant to be right now (no matter how wonderfully the timing was lined up to my life. Reh begin March... Out of town run in Denver in July which is just a short car ride for my grandparents from Goodland- back to the city and opening on Broadway in November. Perfect... but alas...looks like the Lord has something else in store for me.) Anyway... it wasvery exciting to be in a situation like that and realize that I did more than just hold my own... I was shining so brightly. And I will again.

In fact... I didn't do too badly in an audition I had yesterday. It was for the first Equity production in the US of Jerry Springer the Opera. I went in and sang my tooshie off. (3 songs) and they asked me to come back today and dance. It was a tap call which I loved! Had a great time and did it well. I don't know what will come of it all, but it was fun. Nathan was even called back too! It's on our list of things to do... do another show together... I think we specifically said Broadway show together, but who knows... maybe it will transfer to Broadway if we get in it! How nice would that be!

Before that starts rehearsal (if I get it) I have actually been asked to do a one woman show based on the life of jazz singer Mildred Bailey. She was a big gal like me and had the most versitile voice. So it is an honor to be helping to create a show using her music as a storyteller for her life. I'm working with Kirby Gosnell on that and we will be recording a demo pretty quickly here over the weekend of Feb 16th & 17th. Looks like the show might be produced by 2 equity theaters somewhere in NY state- so there would be a short run at each. Gotta love that! A new show.. just for me... singing jazz like I love to sing. How I wish it could be done here in the city too! Well maybe, just maybe that is in the future for it.

Well anyway... that is pretty much all that is going on in my life. Nothing on the romance side... not really looking actually. Just concentrating on my career. Men take up too much time anyway... :o) always demanding your time... that too will come when it is meant.

I suppose I named this post "New Year New York" because besides turning 30 like I do next month, I know that this will be a huge year for me and my career. Things are happening. I am here finally in the place I am meant to be in the time I am meant to be here. And things are happening. SO I'll just keep trudging away. Walking in faith. Walking with love and determination. Always forward...even when it seems like the path has turned back...it really hasn't... it is always going on...

Thank you for being an important part of my life. I am so glad you are here.
Loving you!
Shawna